I recently attended the funeral of a proud man who loved his country and rugby. Among his dying wishes he asked to be cremated along with his national flag and his favourite rugby team shirt. However, there are apparently 'carbon neutral guidelines' which prevent such wishes being fulfilled. So, his wish was not met. Does this happen all over the UK?
Are crematoriums checking clothing labels before giving them the nod? If so, is it ok to shuffle off this mortal coil in smoke as long as it's in a 100% wool Hugo Boss and not a polyester blend from Asda? What if you can't afford 100% wool whistles? What if it's a deceased child's favourite teddy bear that doesn't comply with eco guidelines?
Whilst I don't wish any ill upon X-Factor's twerpish twins John & Edward, but, what if they got killed in a crush of screaming fans and they wanted to be voted into the great final-in-the-sky wearing their trademark red vinyl threads? Not to mention the industrial quantities of hair gel they use? Is that an eco no-no too?
It strikes me that, if this is becoming an industry standard for cremation, surely those who dictate the guidelines are conveniently ignoring the emissions belched out by the never-ending cavalcades of stretch-limos that chauffeur mourners to and from the fiery farewell at 10 miles an hour and 6 miles to the gallon?
Perhaps they will cotton-on to this and offer a trade off to the departed who left 'on-board baggage' requests - you be can be torched along with anything you like as long as everyone else turning up takes the bus.
Now government Tsars are prescribing environmental departure wear for the dead, I suppose graveyards will need to be managed more like council landfill sites - i.e. anything that can be recycled must be recycled, not interred.
But what do I know?
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